Depression
Depression is a crazy thing.
It makes you do weird things like wander through a store looking for things you don't want or need, muttering to yourself that you don't need them. Yet, you continue on in search of that elusive thing that you just know is there, not knowing what it is the whole time. Oh, it doesn't stop at one store, it continues on and on and on. Sometime you end up leaving with hundreds of dollars in things you don't need, other times you leave empty handed. Either way, you always leave with this empty feeling inside.
It drives you to work 80 hours a week for months on end, only to eventually crash one day. It causes you to quit everything you've worked hard for. It causes you to sabotage any chance you may have at success. It makes the smallest of matters appear more important than world peace. It clouds your judgment in dealing with the people who can make your life better. It causes you to argue with your boss, not a vocal argument per se, but a silent, quiet one in which there is no clear winner. Mind you, this is the person at the end of the year who will be in charge of writing up your annual review and taking care of you.
Depression is treating those closest to you in the worst possible ways at the most inopportune times. It is doing things, that you look back years later and go, "Whoa I did what?", and knowing deep down in your soul that you'd do them again given the chance. If only you could create that chance, searching for that feeling again. What is it you're looking for?
Depression is doing things you shouldn't in search of things you don't need. It is fixating on a multitude of things at one time, the hot neighbor down the street, your new hobby, the internet (oh do we crazies love this thing), work, the kids, slouching around on the couch. Did I fail to mention the mood swings? One day you're up and the whole world is fine, the next you don't want to leave the house. You want to sit all day in a comfortable chair eating potato chips and watching TV, not one channel mind you but one after the other after the other, not really watching anything, but capturing everything in your mind.
Depression is like a 300lb. gorilla sitting on your chest poking his long finger on your forehead and breathing his foul breath onto your face.
In spite of it, we all must go on. I've been taking my meds, trying to maintain a positive mental outlook, exercising (which has only proven to get me sick from all of the germs....work out good for a week, be sick for a week..repeat), keeping my work life and private life separate. Yet, there are days, weeks, months when it just creeps up on you, sort of like a big black cloud hanging over your head on an otherwise sunny day. Maybe it's just my luck of the genetic draw, maybe it's my personality, whatever it is living with depression is many things.
Don't worry about me, I'll be back strong as I always seem to bounce back on my feet. This latest round of feeling down, defeated, wounded is one of a long series of episodes in my life. This is by no means the worst, or no means the best. I've somehow managed to start my climb back out of the deep dark hole in a good place, with a semi-promotion. Funny how that works.
Reflecting back on the past year, which has been mentally tough for me, I can't help but wonder when my trip down the dark deep hole that is depression will finally consume me. When will it finally end up with me losing my job, my family, everything that I've worked so hard for. Depression makes me wonder these things, and laugh at them as depression also makes me feel invincible.
If you think you may be suffering from depression, or are just having a hard time getting through life. I ask, please get some help. It took me many years to realize what I was battling, what I was up against, what I was dealing with. It took me somehow finding that little shred of inner courage to reach out for help. Please, do the same.
Gio
It makes you do weird things like wander through a store looking for things you don't want or need, muttering to yourself that you don't need them. Yet, you continue on in search of that elusive thing that you just know is there, not knowing what it is the whole time. Oh, it doesn't stop at one store, it continues on and on and on. Sometime you end up leaving with hundreds of dollars in things you don't need, other times you leave empty handed. Either way, you always leave with this empty feeling inside.
It drives you to work 80 hours a week for months on end, only to eventually crash one day. It causes you to quit everything you've worked hard for. It causes you to sabotage any chance you may have at success. It makes the smallest of matters appear more important than world peace. It clouds your judgment in dealing with the people who can make your life better. It causes you to argue with your boss, not a vocal argument per se, but a silent, quiet one in which there is no clear winner. Mind you, this is the person at the end of the year who will be in charge of writing up your annual review and taking care of you.
Depression is treating those closest to you in the worst possible ways at the most inopportune times. It is doing things, that you look back years later and go, "Whoa I did what?", and knowing deep down in your soul that you'd do them again given the chance. If only you could create that chance, searching for that feeling again. What is it you're looking for?
Depression is doing things you shouldn't in search of things you don't need. It is fixating on a multitude of things at one time, the hot neighbor down the street, your new hobby, the internet (oh do we crazies love this thing), work, the kids, slouching around on the couch. Did I fail to mention the mood swings? One day you're up and the whole world is fine, the next you don't want to leave the house. You want to sit all day in a comfortable chair eating potato chips and watching TV, not one channel mind you but one after the other after the other, not really watching anything, but capturing everything in your mind.
Depression is like a 300lb. gorilla sitting on your chest poking his long finger on your forehead and breathing his foul breath onto your face.
In spite of it, we all must go on. I've been taking my meds, trying to maintain a positive mental outlook, exercising (which has only proven to get me sick from all of the germs....work out good for a week, be sick for a week..repeat), keeping my work life and private life separate. Yet, there are days, weeks, months when it just creeps up on you, sort of like a big black cloud hanging over your head on an otherwise sunny day. Maybe it's just my luck of the genetic draw, maybe it's my personality, whatever it is living with depression is many things.
Don't worry about me, I'll be back strong as I always seem to bounce back on my feet. This latest round of feeling down, defeated, wounded is one of a long series of episodes in my life. This is by no means the worst, or no means the best. I've somehow managed to start my climb back out of the deep dark hole in a good place, with a semi-promotion. Funny how that works.
Reflecting back on the past year, which has been mentally tough for me, I can't help but wonder when my trip down the dark deep hole that is depression will finally consume me. When will it finally end up with me losing my job, my family, everything that I've worked so hard for. Depression makes me wonder these things, and laugh at them as depression also makes me feel invincible.
If you think you may be suffering from depression, or are just having a hard time getting through life. I ask, please get some help. It took me many years to realize what I was battling, what I was up against, what I was dealing with. It took me somehow finding that little shred of inner courage to reach out for help. Please, do the same.
Gio
posted by Juan Giovanni at 8:17 PM
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